he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
