dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
