Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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