My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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