you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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