I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
