I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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