So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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