My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Semen is not good for contacts.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
