At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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