You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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