That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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