Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
