im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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