he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
