i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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