somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
