is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Text me some of your sweat
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
