Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
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