Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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