i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
