How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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