Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
