I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
