Duck Duck Cougar?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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