I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
They took my balls.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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