i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
