When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
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