I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
