She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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