see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
