I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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