That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
