she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We need a shit load of segways right now
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Randomize
