I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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