I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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