He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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