You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
