I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I love you. Go after that dick
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
