I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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