We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
