Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
high people should be assigned attendants
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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