I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
