i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
