i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
