Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Randomize
