Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
