Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
