The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
