Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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