My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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