I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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