I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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