cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
