Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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